Just like you, I have a voice of wisdom, reason, logic, common sense, knowing, intuition, God - whatever resonates with your personal belief system - but for the vast majority of my life, there is another frequency butting in and drowning out the word I want (and need) to hear. Sometimes the noise of the unwanted station drowns the other out completely - I know it's there, but it can't be heard. Sometimes the station appears clear as crystal. Then it goes again.
When the burden of being a burden becomes so burdensome the burden can no longer be bourne, it's crunch time. Disappear into Wonderland with the big white rabbit, going permanently mad? Or just go - permanently? Or do what needs to be done and reach out? Clearly the latter is the healthier option.
Salty tears stream down my face, landing on the corners of my lips before dripping off my chin. The deep magenta flush glowing on my cheeks, a stark contrast to the enormous grey circles appearing beneath my reddened eyes.
It's my 53rd birthday today - I'm ten years older than I used to be. And potentially ten years younger than I'm going to be. I don't know if that makes me young or old - I think it just makes me 53.
For me - I feel good about 2019. I choose to believe the worst of my grief and issues are behind me and my journey forward is now much closer to everyone else - ie I'm sure I won't get everything right but I'll try not to make a royal fuck up every time a little snag comes my way. I'm calling resolutions 'goals' this year.