Feed me

Every morsel of food passing my lips is feeding something. This is a universal truth. I am not special. Physical Hunger We all have physical hunger and we all need to feed it. The body needs nourishment in order to function. Feed it badly, it will treat you badly. Feed it well and you’re on…

What did you say?!

Some people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth – so I’ve heard. Me? I was born with a chubby foot in my mouth. And it seems I’m a slow learner. The reason I journal and blog, and became increasingly shy, quiet and retiring over the decades, is I really suck at the…

Just hanging in

I feel like I’m barely holding on at the moment. Clinging on with my fingernails to whatever I can. I am exhausted. Mentally. Physically. Spiritually. Nothing left to give. And yet ironically, not sleeping. Isn’t that always the way? I swear if I could get some sleep, I’d have a slightly firmer grip on reality….

Reality Check

No words today. On any given day – in any random order – for no apparent reason – I feel…

A Happy Memory [or a few…]

As I feel myself sliding, down, down, down again, I want to make a really concerted effort to focus on ups – not downs. I went for a walk after gym this evening, and for the first 20 minutes I found myself falling into heavy, dark, unproductive thoughts. Then I remembered I’m supposed to be retraining my…

Yearning for Yonder Years

I hate where I’m at in life right now. I want to go back. Or forward. Anywhere but here. It is a wish guaranteed to come true, because the present moment only lasts a moment, and just yesterday I was holding my now 23 year old son as a newborn in my arms. So I guess yonder…

Body Beautiful

I have a body. As I said once before, it has served me faithfully all my years. I have been blessed with strong bones, good teeth, a great immune system and most excellent health. I am indeed extremely fortunate. I was not however, blessed with any confidence in this body. Nature, nurture and the environments in…

How can I tell if I’m well?

When I have a cold, it’s obvious I’m sick. And when it goes away, it’s obvious it’s gone. When I have depression, it’s not obvious to anyone – even me. And when it goes away, how am I going to know? It was clear as a summer’s day when my depression hit rock bottom. I…

Is this normal?

Am I normal or different? Am I sick or healthy? I have no fricking idea… I feel normal. I’ve always been like this. This IS my normal – I don’t know any different. Normal for me is having no capacity to identify emotions. Obsessing with food and body image all day – and all night…

The metaphorical fence

I feel like I’m perched on a metaphorical fence – staring down at recovery, staring down at illness, and trying to decide – which way do I go? While perched on the fence, I can dangle my feet on both sides, but in order to progress one way or the other – for better or…

Acceptance

I spent years telling myself it’s overwhelmingly difficult – nigh on impossible – to overwrite the dialogue of my childhood. That whatever key messages I received in those early years became so embedded they are effectively an intrinsic and immovable part of who I have become. I said this to my psychiatrist at my first appointment…