Downs & Ups

Some days I’m up. Some days I’m down. I had a down day today. I have a lot of pain at the moment – I may even have to start admitting my pain is chronic. I’m hesitant to accept that label though – it feels like giving up. But when I’m in pain all the…

Eye Opener

Today was an eye opening day. It began as any other Saturday – a late lie-in, snuggling with my husband, watching the sunrise through our bedroom window. With porridge in front of me and a cup of tea by my side, I logged onto my laptop and checked today’s task for the 7 Day Writing…

Eat Me!

The food in my fridge sings to me. And I mean it really sings. I suspect this is another one of those situations only people with an eating disorder genuinely understand. I’ve talked about The Voices before. Maybe you think I’m completely mad. Or schizophrenic. I’m neither of those things. I just have an eating disorder. All day…

Vanquishing the Voices

I’m trying to picture a life free from disordered eating. What would it look like? How would I feel? What would be different? The voice of doubt always wants to knock me down, but I’m working hard to vanquish that voice, and bring forth positive messages to empower recovery. In this picture, my external life would…

End of an Era

See that picture? That’s my toes. Pointing at a blank spot. A blank spot where my scales have sat since we renovated the bathroom about 12 years ago. (Before that they sat somewhere else…) For as long as I can remember, I have weighed myself first thing every morning – day in day out. Like…

Looking forward

Today was a non-linear recovery day. You know – the old cha cha cha – a few steps forward, a few steps back. Recovery is a non-linear process. But that’s okay – I keep telling myself… I made some really excellent decisions today and made some really excellent progress. Then I made some really crap decisions and slipped…

Easter Egg Epiphanies

Today I ate Easter eggs. I didn’t enjoy them. And it isn’t Easter. There are bags and bags of leftover solid little eggs at work, and apparently we can help ourselves. I’m not sure my colleagues realise what that actually means to somebody with an eating disorder. The only thing stopping me eating the thousand or…

Mia, mia, mia

I need to binge. I want to binge. I’m going to binge … says Mia … Why? … whispers Reason … Why? We do this every day. It’s just the way we are … says Mia … It’s a bad idea … whispers Reason … Bad idea? Fuck off. Just shut up and do it. Get it over…

I dream

  I dream that one day I will be freed from the shackles of anxiety’s chaos. Freed from the pounding heart, shallow breaths and rattled nerves – the insecurities, fears and chronic doubts. Freed from the desire to tear at my nails, scratch up my hands and carve into my own soft flesh. I dream that…

Confessions of a disordered mind

Sometimes I worry that the reason I struggle with recovery, is I don’t want to recover. And sometimes I worry that the reason I don’t want to recover, is people will stop being nice to me. When you grow in an emotionally sterile environment, you grow craving love, affection and nurturing. You can then find…

Worst boyfriend ever

He wants me. He needs me. He loves me. He sounds interested and knowing. He rejoices when my heart is singing. His voice is compassionate and caring. He comforts me in my darkest moments. He protects, nurtures and encourages me. He exudes a wisdom and confidence I am in awe of. He wants only the best…

The Starving Child

Today I awoke to the sight of little brown furry ears resting on my pillow, peering out the window at the rising sun and the clear blue autumn skies. The day held so much hope. Hope can be deceiving. It matters not how, or why, I ended up in a cycle of soul destroying binging and…