Not broken. Stuck

I’ve started a course in Acceptance & Commitment Therapy, and while I’m very early in the process (half way through week one ūüėÄ ) I have already found a lovely little snippet that really resonated with me. And I mean REALLY resonated! I’m not broken. I’m stuck. How simple is that?! After completely falling apart,…

Illusions & Illuminations

I was so moved by Sin√©ad O’Connor’s heartfelt cry for help a few weeks ago. And very glad to hear she’s doing better. ¬†I listened to Russell Brand’s response and as always, was really touched by how much wisdom and empathy he demonstrates for mental health issues. One comment in particular was very illuminating, Really…

Now I lay me down to sleep…

This little girl is on the wall next to my bed. My Nanna made it when I was little. I love it. For years it was tucked away in the back of a cupboard, the copper dark and green, the gloss disappearing from the embossed nightgown. A couple of years ago it magically appeared in…

And the black dog slept

The days were cold, And the skies were grey. The bare branches swaying in the swift brisk wind. Still, the black dog slept. The mirror reflects, The passing of days. And a breast yearning more, for babes long grown. And still, the black dog slept. One bright blue morn, As the sun rose high. No…

I’m a peculiar little person

A friend asked today,¬†How are you? Now this friend is not someone I bother saying,¬†I’m fine¬†to, because she knows better than to listen to that bullshit. Our journeys have crossed paths on more than one occasion and she gets it. But I didn’t really know what to say, because I kind of AM fine. But…

What did you say?!

Some people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth – so I’ve heard. Me? I was born with a chubby foot in my mouth. And it seems I’m a slow learner. The reason I journal and blog, and became increasingly shy, quiet and retiring over the decades, is I really suck at the…

Just hanging in

I feel like I’m barely holding on at the moment. Clinging on with my fingernails to whatever I can. I am exhausted. Mentally. Physically. Spiritually. Nothing left to give. And yet ironically, not sleeping. Isn’t that always the way? I swear if I could get some sleep, I’d have a slightly firmer grip on reality….

What do I need?

Since I fell apart¬†last year, people keep asking, Are you okay? How can I help? If you need anything, just ask!¬†They are genuine offers but I never know how to respond so just say I’m fine and don’t need anything. Not because I’m a martyr but because I genuinely have no idea. When I’m socialising…

Counting Clouds

Depression is so dreary. I’m sure everyone is bored with it. When I share how shitty I ¬†feel, people try to cheer me up (thank you! I appreciate you want me to be happy!), or help me reframe so I can concentrate on positives (yes – excellent advice!), or tell me this too shall pass….

Nearly…

Today I had a desperate, desperate urge to restrict. It was really important to me. I nearly did. I ate breakfast. Then I ate nothing all day. At the end of the day I had a moment of sanity and ate¬†a late dinner. Meat and vegetables. Nutritious foods. I nearly starved myself today. I didn’t….

Downs & Ups

Some days I’m up. Some days I’m down. I had a down day today. I have a lot of pain at the moment – I may even have to start admitting my pain is chronic. I’m hesitant to accept that label though – it feels like giving up. But when I’m in pain all the…

Escaping Grief

There is no escaping grief. Each and every one of us experiences loss and it is always painful – just ask a toddler throwing the king of all tantrums at the supermarket while you steadfastly refuse to buy the matchbox car he desperately must¬†have. Grief is easily recognised when we lose someone. We expect the¬†bereaved…