Letting Go & Giving Up

What’s the difference? One and the same? The end result is the same. I’ve been visiting a physio for some time now – to try and nut out the origins of the pain in my back. I started seeing her after I’d seen an osteopath. I started seeing the osteopath after the chiropractor. I started…

Eye Opener

Today was an eye opening day. It began as any other Saturday – a late lie-in, snuggling with my husband, watching the sunrise through our bedroom window. With porridge in front of me and a cup of tea by my side, I logged onto my laptop and checked today’s task for the 7 Day Writing…

End of an Era

See that picture? That’s my toes. Pointing at a blank spot. A blank spot where my scales have sat since we renovated the bathroom about 12 years ago. (Before that they sat somewhere else…) For as long as I can remember, I have weighed myself first thing every morning – day in day out. Like…

Body Beautiful

I have a body. As I said once before, it has served me faithfully all my years. I have been blessed with strong bones, good teeth, a great immune system and most excellent health. I am indeed extremely fortunate. I was not however, blessed with any confidence in this body. Nature, nurture and the environments in…

The Scales of Justice

I am a prisoner in a cell of my own making. Each morning, I stand upon the Scales of Justice to determine if today will be the day, that I set myself free. I cannot bear the thought of not knowing my weight. I cannot bear the thought of knowing my weight. No matter the number,…

Is this normal?

Am I normal or different? Am I sick or healthy? I have no fricking idea… I feel normal. I’ve always been like this. This IS my normal – I don’t know any different. Normal for me is having no capacity to identify emotions. Obsessing with food and body image all day – and all night…

Strategies

Despondency.
It’s an unpleasant feeling.
I’m currently wallowing around in misery, feeling sorry for myself but struggling to find the willingness to be willing to make the required changes to my behaviours. I’ve acquired all the necessary knowledge, tools and support networks. Still I wallow. Still I perpetuate the lifetime habits that I both loathe and cling to like a drowning woman.

To Heal or Not to Heal – That is the Question

Anyone who has never experienced mental health issues, probably finds this to be a staggering question – why wouldn’t you want to recover?! Who would want to stay “sick”? Well – I am struggling to heal – and I don’t want to stay sick – but I also can’t seem to recover. Don’t worry – it makes no sense to me either!

Reasons

My psychologist talked about recovery, and I said (amongst other things), what’s in it for me? Which sounds appallingly self-interested – because it is! But it is the crux of my recovery issue. Everything I do in my life, is for other people – even my recovery. And without having intrinsic reasons to travel this rocky road, it is nigh on impossible to keep trudging along.

10 January

Personal Prompt: How would you describe yourself? Ask a friend or family member how they would describe you and compare notes. Gosh… I’ll endeavour to be positive. But this is waaaay outside my comfort zone… I am 50 years old. I look neither young nor old for my age. I am 168cm tall with red curly…

Born in a Body

What my body didn’t know when it was born, was that it wasn’t the “right” shape. It wasn’t the “right” size. It wasn’t the “right” colour. That while it functioned in a beautiful, healthy and practical manner, aesthetically it didn’t conform to the ideal of beauty, espoused by those who raised me and the society in which they lived.

05 January

Personal Prompt: Name five things you are proud of, and five things you are not so proud of. This is a very difficult challenge for me… As pride is one of the seven deadly sins and it was drummed into me as a child not to be “prideful” or “boastful”. But it was also drummed into…