Myself

Self-care. It’s the buzzword of the 21st century. I guess because a lot of us suck at it… There are over 242 words with the prefix “self”, and I am very good at quite a few of them: self-awareness, self-control, selflessness, as well as self-loathing, self-pity and self-harm. But there are a few key words I…

I dream

  I dream that one day I will be freed from the shackles of anxiety’s chaos. Freed from the pounding heart, shallow breaths and rattled nerves – the insecurities, fears and chronic doubts. Freed from the desire to tear at my nails, scratch up my hands and carve into my own soft flesh. I dream that…

Dear Depression…

… I thought you’d gone away. I thought we had a little chat and I told you we can’t be friends any more. Why did you come back? And when are you going to leave? While you were gone, I had the energy to get out of bed and do stuff. You know? Like wash my…

Recovery Dream

Recovery is a dream. A distant, foreign concept. A world of freedom I desperately want to live in, but struggle to believe will ever exist – for me. The idea of being free from food obsession is just utterly foreign – do I even deserve it? I’ve stumbled into a room full of happy people, all having the best of…

Broken Wings

Today I cried. I cried because I could feel the hard, solid, shell I have spent decades plastering around every inch of me cracking, leaving me soft and vulnerable, and revealing a very broken pair of wings. The past week my anxiety levels sky-rocketed in anticipation of a few changes, and as my anxiety went up,…

How can I tell if I’m well?

When I have a cold, it’s obvious I’m sick. And when it goes away, it’s obvious it’s gone. When I have depression, it’s not obvious to anyone – even me. And when it goes away, how am I going to know? It was clear as a summer’s day when my depression hit rock bottom. I…

Triggered

I’ve been triggered. My bulimic behaviours are regressing. This is both good and bad. Bad, because I’ve fallen deep into the well of binging and purging, and even slipped into self-harm hell. Good, because the trigger has been the anticipation of me commencing a course I have a really good feeling about. I sometimes feel…

Is this normal?

Am I normal or different? Am I sick or healthy? I have no fricking idea… I feel normal. I’ve always been like this. This IS my normal – I don’t know any different. Normal for me is having no capacity to identify emotions. Obsessing with food and body image all day – and all night…

The metaphorical fence

I feel like I’m perched on a metaphorical fence – staring down at recovery, staring down at illness, and trying to decide – which way do I go? While perched on the fence, I can dangle my feet on both sides, but in order to progress one way or the other – for better or…

Security Blankets

My recovery from depression and anxiety seems to be moving in a positive direction. Yay me! Smiley face 🙂 While I am still – for now – taking medication to assist me, I am hopeful that over the course of the next year I’ll wean myself off and get back to my “normal” – whatever that…

Success

I have spent so much of my life feeling like a failure. Musician: failed Housewife: failed Finances: failed Resilience: failed Beauty: failed Weight: failed Recovery: failed Life: failed So many more. So many daily micro fails when I make a mistake, get a speeding ticket, can’t do a chin up, have a messy house, don’t cook dinner,…

My anxiety feels like…

… a thumping heart … a tight chest … short, quick breaths … a knot in my stomach … a swollen throat … heavy eyes … warm feet … a tingle in my ears … a pressure in my forehead … a fuzzy head … a tremble in my hands … and jelly in my legs I…