1: a state of tranquility or quiet 2: freedom from disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions 3: harmony in personal relations 4: in a state of concord or tranquility Is that how peace feels for you? It sounds pretty good huh?! It is something I’ve rarely experienced for some time. I’ve been afraid to feel […]

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I ran out of medication last week. Turns out this was a bit of an oversight on my behalf, and not the most fun way to spend my week. I don’t mean I ran out of vitamin tablets either (although I ran out of them too), but rather I had to trudge through the week […]

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I wanna be this dog

Wanna know what my anxiety looks like? I had an unpleasant moment at work today, then later realised I’d spent the entire day on edge as a result of that one moment. For the whole day I was slightly teary, heart pounding, wanting to punish or numb myself, and counting the minutes until I could […]

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I must be do something right. I’m feeling very uncomfortable. And I’ve been reassured again and again, that change is uncomfortable, so I guess this is change. Whether it’s short or long term change, is yet to be determined. In the meantime – I’m feeling very uncomfortable. I haven’t been writing about my eating disorder […]

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What do I need?

Since I fell apart last year, people keep asking, Are you okay? How can I help? If you need anything, just ask! They are genuine offers but I never know how to respond so just say I’m fine and don’t need anything. Not because I’m a martyr but because I genuinely have no idea. When I’m socialising […]

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Self-care. It’s the buzzword of the 21st century. I guess because a lot of us suck at it… There are over 242 words with the prefix “self”, and I am very good at quite a few of them: self-awareness, self-control, selflessness, as well as self-loathing, self-pity and self-harm. But there are a few key words I […]

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I dream

  I dream that one day I will be freed from the shackles of anxiety’s chaos. Freed from the pounding heart, shallow breaths and rattled nerves – the insecurities, fears and chronic doubts. Freed from the desire to tear at my nails, scratch up my hands and carve into my own soft flesh. I dream that […]

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Dear Depression…

… I thought you’d gone away. I thought we had a little chat and I told you we can’t be friends any more. Why did you come back? And when are you going to leave? While you were gone, I had the energy to get out of bed and do stuff. You know? Like wash my […]

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Recovery Dream

Recovery is a dream. A distant, foreign concept. A world of freedom I desperately want to live in, but struggle to believe will ever exist – for me. The idea of being free from food obsession is just utterly foreign – do I even deserve it? I’ve stumbled into a room full of happy people, all having the best of […]

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Broken Wings

Today I cried. I cried because I could feel the hard, solid, shell I have spent decades plastering around every inch of me cracking, leaving me soft and vulnerable, and revealing a very broken pair of wings. The past week my anxiety levels sky-rocketed in anticipation of a few changes, and as my anxiety went up, […]

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How can I tell if I’m well?

When I have a cold, it’s obvious I’m sick. And when it goes away, it’s obvious it’s gone. When I have depression, it’s not obvious to anyone – even me. And when it goes away, how am I going to know? It was clear as a summer’s day when my depression hit rock bottom. I […]

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I’ve been triggered. My bulimic behaviours are regressing. This is both good and bad. Bad, because I’ve fallen deep into the well of binging and purging, and even slipped into self-harm hell. Good, because the trigger has been the anticipation of me commencing a course I have a really good feeling about. I sometimes feel […]

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