The Eating Disorder Voice

People with eating disorders often talk about the eating disorder voice that natters away, telling us what to do. Or not. Undermining recovery. Making us doubt ourselves. But I wonder what that means to someone without an eating disorder voice? Or even what it means to other eating disordered people – I doubt we’re all the same. Read More

Transition Week

It’s been a wild ride. My last two days at the clinic were focused on discussing healthy ways of managing my out of control anxiety issues. I had one day of leave cancelled altogether (Sunday) as I couldn’t be trusted not to harm myself. I didn’t even trust myself. The next day was escorted leave and Tuesday – my final day as it turned out – back to full unescorted pre-discharge phase. Read More

Week Two

Same old, same old. Neither better nor worse. I feel my depression has sunk pretty low and I spent a lot of today mapping out “exit” strategies. But I also communicated this with the registrar and have requested to have my dose of pristiq increased. She’s also modified my leave to “escorted” which is fine by me. Read More

Week One

A friend of mine has encouraged me to share my private journals of inpatient. I hope it’s not triggering for anyone. It’s deeply personal. And I’ve made every effort to remove identifying information of the clinic, staff and patients. It’s a long read! But this is what life is like. Read More

Lock Me Up

My psychologist (I love her to bits!) has suggested I consider a specialised Eating Disorder inpatient treatment program. I once again had a session where I talked about the tumultuous highs and lows of the past month – there were some lovely positives and some not so lovely sunken depths. Just a standard session really.… Read More

Reframing Relapse

As I mentioned in my previous post, I’ve slipped into a period of relapse. I can sit and analyse the how and why until the cows home, but it doesn’t make any difference to the result. That’s the problem with mental health issues – it’s essential to look back and understand how we got here,… Read More

Banded

In April 2012 I was 46 years old. I’d battled weight my entire life and I was tired. All the weight I’d previously lost was back on – again. All the tricks I’d used before were failing. I tried eating less, exercising more, eating more, exercising less. Shakes and weird shit and anything I could… Read More

Restricted

I’ve always considered myself an overeater. A binger. Food addict. Pig. Someone with no control over what I ate and destined to spend a life battling an obsession with body image and food. I have sought resources for eating disorder recovery for a decade. And as time went on, my seeking became more desperate and… Read More

It’s a Roller Coaster

So I’ve gone backwards. Slipping and sliding and rolling around. Bingeing and purging every day again. Feeling shit and stupid. I know it’s my responsibility – my choice. I can turn this back around any time I want to. Why don’t I want to? Everything we do in life, we do because it’s the thing… Read More