As I mentioned in my previous post, I’ve slipped into a period of relapse. I can sit and analyse the how and why until the cows home, but it doesn’t make any difference to the result. That’s the problem with mental health issues – it’s essential to look back and understand how we got here, but it doesn’t make a scrap of difference to what’s going on now.

I’m not doing too badly – I’m certainly no worse than I was a week ago. So I hope there is some comfort in that. I was wondering today if perhaps I’m in a period of transition rather than relapse. That is how I’m going to reframe things at the moment.

The trouble with labels, is it’s easy to live up to them. If I say I’m in relapse it can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Instead perhaps I am:

  • Learning to eat very slowly
  • Eating in a mindful fashion
  • Making healthier food choices
  • Letting go of bingeing
  • Working on redirecting thoughts away from food

The pendulum can swing too far, but as someone who has claimed to be in recovery for many, many moons now, it is my job to make sure I reign back the extremes.

So I retract my earlier assertions of relapse and hereby announce I’m moving in a slightly different direction. Granted, this direction is risky and potentially problematic, but I hope with guidance and support I can make it a good move.

One of the major stumbling blocks to reaching any level of recovery, is my primary focus on body image. Despite trying to logic myself out of it, I am concerned about weight. I’m fearful of being fat. And those fears trump all my recovery goals and efforts – every time.

I am an expert on what to do in recovery. If you want to know anything, just ask me! But unfortunately I’m still talking lots of talk, not walking all the walk. I am prone to doing things quickly, and thoroughly and efficiently, and this painful, slow, meandering path is horridly unnatural to me.

So while Ana and Mia are definitely out here playing around, doing what the hell they like, Simone is still here, playing guardian and keeping an eye on things.

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