Invoking the Inner Child

When I was a child I was repressed. Not in an awful way – we weren’t beaten or abused or mistreated in any capacity. But when emotions can’t be expressed, they are repressed. [It wasn’t done intentionally of course – it is just an unfortunate hangover from previous generations.] A week or so back I had…

Looking forward

Today was a non-linear recovery day. You know – the old cha cha cha – a few steps forward, a few steps back. Recovery is a non-linear process. But that’s okay – I keep telling myself… I made some really excellent decisions today and made some really excellent progress. Then I made some really crap decisions and slipped…

Easter Egg Epiphanies

Today I ate Easter eggs. I didn’t enjoy them. And it isn’t Easter. There are bags and bags of leftover solid little eggs at work, and apparently we can help ourselves. I’m not sure my colleagues realise what that actually means to somebody with an eating disorder. The only thing stopping me eating the thousand or…

Bye Bye Beautiful Girl

I believe in Angels. I always have. I always will. I don’t believe in God, or religion, but I do believe in Angels. (Yes Grandma… I am allowed to believe in Angels without believing in God – there are no rules when it comes to faith!) Today we scattered my sister’s ashes. She is now at…

Into the woods

I am heading into the woods. Recovery is a journey. A journey is traversed upon a road. This particular road heads into metaphorical woods, and on the other side – is freedom. In 2009 I traveled to Vietnam with my husband and three kids. (It was awesome – if you’ve never been, I highly recommend…

Challenge Accepted

For anyone who hasn’t noticed, I have been struggling. Struggling with the concept of recovery. With freedom. With any kind of belief it will happen for me. Of course it can happen for other people! That is a given. But me? I struggle to believe. And without hope and belief, recovery is impossible. Today I was…

An unnatural state

Relax! Huh?! People keep telling me to relax, take a bit of time out, chill! My massage therapist flops my arm around telling me to relax it. I barely know what that means. I wake during the night with clenched fists and have to actively focus to unclench them. Relaxation does not come naturally to me….

Myself

Self-care. It’s the buzzword of the 21st century. I guess because a lot of us suck at it… There are over 242 words with the prefix “self”, and I am very good at quite a few of them: self-awareness, self-control, selflessness, as well as self-loathing, self-pity and self-harm. But there are a few key words I…

Mia, mia, mia

I need to binge. I want to binge. I’m going to binge … says Mia … Why? … whispers Reason … Why? We do this every day. It’s just the way we are … says Mia … It’s a bad idea … whispers Reason … Bad idea? Fuck off. Just shut up and do it. Get it over…

Pixie dust & prayers

Today I reached out to friends near and far, asking for good thoughts, prayers, and pixie dust – depending on individual leanings. I am eternally grateful for the thoughts, prayers and pixie dust that were sent skyward bound, into the heavens… Today one of my children faced the legal consequences of making stupid decisions as…

I dream

  I dream that one day I will be freed from the shackles of anxiety’s chaos. Freed from the pounding heart, shallow breaths and rattled nerves – the insecurities, fears and chronic doubts. Freed from the desire to tear at my nails, scratch up my hands and carve into my own soft flesh. I dream that…

Confessions of a disordered mind

Sometimes I worry that the reason I struggle with recovery, is I don’t want to recover. And sometimes I worry that the reason I don’t want to recover, is people will stop being nice to me. When you grow in an emotionally sterile environment, you grow craving love, affection and nurturing. You can then find…