An unnatural state

Relax! Huh?! People keep telling me to relax, take a bit of time out, chill! My massage therapist flops my arm around telling me to relax it. I barely know what that means. I wake during the night with clenched fists and have to actively focus to unclench them. Relaxation does not come naturally to me….

The Starving Child

Today I awoke to the sight of little brown furry ears resting on my pillow, peering out the window at the rising sun and the clear blue autumn skies. The day held so much hope. Hope can be deceiving. It matters not how, or why, I ended up in a cycle of soul destroying binging and…

Bucket List

I mentioned a few weeks ago that it’s time I wrote a bucket list. So here I go… Things I want to achieve before my days expire – in no particular order… Get a tattoo √ Make a difference in my job Publish something – professionally 😀 Go back to uni Live in a house that…

Acceptance

I spent years telling myself it’s overwhelmingly difficult – nigh on impossible – to overwrite the dialogue of my childhood. That whatever key messages I received in those early years became so embedded they are effectively an intrinsic and immovable part of who I have become. I said this to my psychiatrist at my first appointment…

What’s in it for me?!

I am trying to figure out why I indulge in actions that disgust me, but I do anyway. Sure – most of them are inherent behaviours. But I’m not as silly as I look – I do have the capacity to learn and change. My mental health stuff has become appallingly resistant to change. There is nothing we do that is without benefit to us. Nothing. Even all those things we do “for other people”, it turns out, there is also something in it for us.

Who Me?

I don’t know who I am…

I know the core values I embrace. I know the person I’d like to be. But I don’t know who I really am.

Does that sound absurd? It does to me…

29 January

Personal Prompt: Write a letter to someone who has treated you poorly. Explain to them how their actions hurt you and strategize a way to move on. Cut and pasted from a time I did write a letter to someone who treated me poorly… And as far how I can move on? I just got a…

Joy

Ahh… Joy! Today, for the first time in a very long time, I feel the first fleeting stirrings of joy. It feels different to happiness and contentment. I have felt bits of those in the past six months – but not joy. Just to be clear on how I perceive the difference, here’s a collection…

25 January

Personal Prompt: For those living with health issues, if you could cure yourself, would you? Why or why not? I don’t have health issues… Not major, incurable, long term issues. I’m getting older. Does that count? As to whether 50 is “old” – well that depends how old YOU are! If you’re 20 or more years younger…

21 January

Personal Prompt: What is one thing you wish others knew about you? Confidence is a facade. There appears to be a perception that I’m really confident. I’m not. I doubt myself with every thing I do. Every single time. I put myself on the line, into embarrassing, frightening, humiliating experiences every day of my life….

14 January

Personal Prompt: Write a thank you letter to yourself. Discuss a time when you treated yourself with care. Dear Me, Thank you for having the persistence and determination to keep going with stuff. Even when you don’t want to. Even when you think it’s not going to work out. Even though you can’t be bothered and…