Week Seven

Day 43 Forty three days down. Nine to go. I am ready – but glad to have these last nine days to consolidate what I’ve learned, set up support at home, invent a new life for myself, and gain the confidence to know it’s not only possible for me to recover – or even probable […]

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Week Two

Day Eight Same old, same old. Neither better nor worse. I feel my depression has sunk pretty low and I spent a lot of today mapping out “exit” strategies. But I also communicated this with the registrar and have requested to have my dose of pristiq increased. She’s also modified my leave to “escorted” which […]

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Week One

A friend of mine has encouraged me to share my private journals of inpatient. I hope it’s not triggering for anyone. It’s deeply personal. And I’ve made every effort to remove identifying information of the clinic, staff and patients. It’s a long read! But this is what life is like. PRE-ADMISSION Today is Thursday. In […]

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Suicidality

Cheerful little topic huh?! But something I believe needs to be discussed in the wider community from time to time. So here I am – casting my two cents worth out into the world for all to ponder upon. Before I say more, a small disclaimer. I’m not a counselor or medical professional. I’m merely […]

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Sad Sack of Sorry

I’m feeling a little sore, sad and sorry for myself. Sore, because I fell off a fit ball a few weeks back and undid all the good work from my previous cortisone injection into the facet joints of my lower vertebrae – so today I had a repeat injection. Fingers crossed it works just as […]

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Whoops!

I ran out of medication last week. Turns out this was a bit of an oversight on my behalf, and not the most fun way to spend my week. I don’t mean I ran out of vitamin tablets either (although I ran out of them too), but rather I had to trudge through the week […]

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Discomfort

I must be do something right. I’m feeling very uncomfortable. And I’ve been reassured again and again, that change is uncomfortable, so I guess this is change. Whether it’s short or long term change, is yet to be determined. In the meantime – I’m feeling very uncomfortable. I haven’t been writing about my eating disorder […]

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Shame, Shame, Shame

Apparently I’m a shame magnet. Not sure if I struggle with shame because I’m super sensitive to humiliation, or if I’m super sensitive to humiliation because I struggle with shame. I am quite sure that absolutely nobody is comfortable with public humiliation. Are they? Anyone comfortable with humiliation must have a problem – in my […]

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In truth…

I feel conflicted. I consider myself very honest. I fibbed a lot as a child – and I’ve read children who lie are often very intelligent. So I’ll accept that for now! However, there came a time (at least 20 years ago) when I decided it just wasn’t worth the hassle, the energy and the guilt, […]

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I dream

  I dream that one day I will be freed from the shackles of anxiety’s chaos. Freed from the pounding heart, shallow breaths and rattled nerves – the insecurities, fears and chronic doubts. Freed from the desire to tear at my nails, scratch up my hands and carve into my own soft flesh. I dream that […]

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Unexpected Ideation

Some days I want to live. Some days I want to die. I’m not suicidal – not any more. Or not at the moment at any rate. If I’m careful with self care, and practice what has been preached the past 12 months, I can expect to die from natural causes in the distant future, and […]

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How can I tell if I’m well?

When I have a cold, it’s obvious I’m sick. And when it goes away, it’s obvious it’s gone. When I have depression, it’s not obvious to anyone – even me. And when it goes away, how am I going to know? It was clear as a summer’s day when my depression hit rock bottom. I […]

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