Just hanging in

I feel like I’m barely holding on at the moment. Clinging on with my fingernails to whatever I can. I am exhausted. Mentally. Physically. Spiritually. Nothing left to give. And yet ironically, not sleeping. Isn’t that always the way? I swear if I could get some sleep, I’d have a slightly firmer grip on reality….

What do I need?

Since I fell apart last year, people keep asking, Are you okay? How can I help? If you need anything, just ask! They are genuine offers but I never know how to respond so just say I’m fine and don’t need anything. Not because I’m a martyr but because I genuinely have no idea. When I’m socialising…

Counting Clouds

Depression is so dreary. I’m sure everyone is bored with it. When I share how shitty I  feel, people try to cheer me up (thank you! I appreciate you want me to be happy!), or help me reframe so I can concentrate on positives (yes – excellent advice!), or tell me this too shall pass….

Nearly…

Today I had a desperate, desperate urge to restrict. It was really important to me. I nearly did. I ate breakfast. Then I ate nothing all day. At the end of the day I had a moment of sanity and ate a late dinner. Meat and vegetables. Nutritious foods. I nearly starved myself today. I didn’t….

Downs & Ups

Some days I’m up. Some days I’m down. I had a down day today. I have a lot of pain at the moment – I may even have to start admitting my pain is chronic. I’m hesitant to accept that label though – it feels like giving up. But when I’m in pain all the…

Escaping Grief

There is no escaping grief. Each and every one of us experiences loss and it is always painful – just ask a toddler throwing the king of all tantrums at the supermarket while you steadfastly refuse to buy the matchbox car he desperately must have. Grief is easily recognised when we lose someone. We expect the bereaved…

Yearning for Yonder Years

I hate where I’m at in life right now. I want to go back. Or forward. Anywhere but here. It is a wish guaranteed to come true, because the present moment only lasts a moment, and just yesterday I was holding my now 23 year old son as a newborn in my arms. So I guess yonder…

Melancholy Moodiness

I had a really lovely day today. For the most part, I made good decisions around food. And yet for no apparent reason, this evening I feel incredibly melancholy and moody. I’m overcome with a range of emotions I can’t even describe. To be honest, I just want to cry. Why? I have absolutely no idea….

Myself

Self-care. It’s the buzzword of the 21st century. I guess because a lot of us suck at it… There are over 242 words with the prefix “self”, and I am very good at quite a few of them: self-awareness, self-control, selflessness, as well as self-loathing, self-pity and self-harm. But there are a few key words I…

Unexpected Ideation

Some days I want to live. Some days I want to die. I’m not suicidal – not any more. Or not at the moment at any rate. If I’m careful with self care, and practice what has been preached the past 12 months, I can expect to die from natural causes in the distant future, and…

Dear Depression…

… I thought you’d gone away. I thought we had a little chat and I told you we can’t be friends any more. Why did you come back? And when are you going to leave? While you were gone, I had the energy to get out of bed and do stuff. You know? Like wash my…

Finding strength for recovery through fatigue

My fatigue is back. It went away for a while. I didn’t miss it. Good riddance, I thought. Then it came back. For fuck’s sake, I thought… Now I can barely struggle out of bed to go to the bathroom. I still have to do all the things everyone else does – get dressed, go to work,…