It’s a Roller Coaster

So I've gone backwards. Slipping and sliding and rolling around. Bingeing and purging every day again. Feeling shit and stupid. I know it's my responsibility - my choice. I can turn this back around any time I want to. Why don't I want to? Everything we do in life, we do because it's the thing [...]

The Never Ending Story

As soon as I make a little bit of progress - and find a few moments of hope and belief - I seem determined to crash and burn, just to prove to myself recovery is either impossible, or impossibly difficult. What happened? Who gives a shit - same old, same old. But if there's one [...]

Eat

I have to eat food. I have to eat food - six times a day. SIX TIMES A DAY!! Fuck... Well to be honest - I don't HAVE to - it is a choice I'm prepared to make. I am generally very obedient (see grandma!! I really am!!), so if say I'll do something, I [...]

Endings & Excuses

I've been in a consistently downward spiral of late. Many people I know in "real" life are now reading this blog, so I need to word things carefully ... A few things are coming to an end and there are some changes I've been working towards making, all of which lead to increasing anxieties. The recovery [...]

Nearly…

Today I had a desperate, desperate urge to restrict. It was really important to me. I nearly did. I ate breakfast. Then I ate nothing all day. At the end of the day I had a moment of sanity and ate a late dinner. Meat and vegetables. Nutritious foods. I nearly starved myself today. I didn't. [...]

Illusions

I'm fluffy today. And floppy. I had lots of drugs... I have pain. I feel like I have chronic pain, but compared to people who actually have chronic pain, I don't. I do however, have some back issues (facet joint hypertrophy between L3-4 and L4-5), tendinopathy in my left hamstring, and a rotation and shift in [...]

Eat Me!

The food in my fridge sings to me. And I mean it really sings. I suspect this is another one of those situations only people with an eating disorder genuinely understand. I've talked about The Voices before. Maybe you think I'm completely mad. Or schizophrenic. I'm neither of those things. I just have an eating disorder. All day [...]

Looking forward

Today was a non-linear recovery day. You know - the old cha cha cha - a few steps forward, a few steps back. Recovery is a non-linear process. But that's okay - I keep telling myself... I made some really excellent decisions today and made some really excellent progress. Then I made some really crap decisions and slipped [...]

Easter Egg Epiphanies

Today I ate Easter eggs. I didn't enjoy them. And it isn't Easter. There are bags and bags of leftover solid little eggs at work, and apparently we can help ourselves. I'm not sure my colleagues realise what that actually means to somebody with an eating disorder. The only thing stopping me eating the thousand or [...]