Swamped

My house flooded. It's a bit of a bummer really. And caused a lot of angst and stress. We're fortunate in many (most) ways - floors are ruined but no structural damage, and we have good insurance to cover most of the repairs. But getting flooded is a pain in the arse. Aside from extra expenses insurance doesn't cover, it's a week of packing up the house to store in the shed, and several weeks of living without floor coverings while listening to the gentle roar of three industrial fans. It's also forced us into unplanned, premature, costly renovations. I know in six months time this will all be history and I'll have lovely new floors and plaster work, but right now, the stress has got to me and my recovery journey is not solid enough to avert relapse. So relapse I have.

Transference

When the word addiction is bandied around, images that come to mind frequently involve drugs and alcohol. But addiction has as many varieties as there are addicts, and the compulsion is a symptom not a cause. What it's a symptom of, varies for individuals, but we're all numbing something.

Feeding Time

It's easy to know when your body needs food - physical cues are given out. We all know what they are (even when some of use choose to ignore those cues), and we know drinking a glass of water doesn't make them go away. So feeding physical hunger is easy. And yet I do not stand alone when it comes to yearning for food regardless of physical hunger.

Lock Me Up

My psychologist (I love her to bits!) has suggested I consider a specialised Eating Disorder inpatient treatment program. I once again had a session where I talked about the tumultuous highs and lows of the past month - there were some lovely positives and some not so lovely sunken depths. Just a standard session really. [...]

Discomfort

I must be do something right. I'm feeling very uncomfortable. And I've been reassured again and again, that change is uncomfortable, so I guess this is change. Whether it's short or long term change, is yet to be determined. In the meantime - I'm feeling very uncomfortable. I haven't been writing about my eating disorder [...]

Feed Me

Every morsel of food passing my lips is feeding something. This is a universal truth. I am not special. Physical Hunger We all have physical hunger and we all need to feed it. The body needs nourishment in order to function. Feed it badly, it will treat you badly. Feed it well and you're on [...]

Under the Influence

I'm floppy. I woke with a sore neck and throbbing head at 4am, gave in and took drugs at 1:30pm. Now I have no pain but should avoid driving motor vehicles and operating heavy machinery. I hope writing is not considered heavy machinery. I like to think that while under the influence, my creative juices [...]

Reframing Relapse

As I mentioned in my previous post, I've slipped into a period of relapse. I can sit and analyse the how and why until the cows home, but it doesn't make any difference to the result. That's the problem with mental health issues - it's essential to look back and understand how we got here, [...]

Banded

In April 2012 I was 46 years old. I'd battled weight my entire life and I was tired. All the weight I'd previously lost was back on - again. All the tricks I'd used before were failing. I tried eating less, exercising more, eating more, exercising less. Shakes and weird shit and anything I could [...]

Restricted

I've always considered myself an overeater. A binger. Food addict. Pig. Someone with no control over what I ate and destined to spend a life battling an obsession with body image and food. I have sought resources for eating disorder recovery for a decade. And as time went on, my seeking became more desperate and [...]