Lock me up

My psychologist (I love her to bits!) has suggested I consider a specialised Eating Disorder inpatient treatment program.

I once again had a session where I talked about the tumultuous highs and lows of the past month – there were some lovely positives and some not so lovely sunken depths. Just a standard session really. But she did discuss – for the first time – the possibility of me going to an ED clinic. It’s something I’ve vaguely thought about, but never seriously considered. I didn’t really think I was a suitable candidate. There are also a few problems with going to a clinic.

  1. As there are no ED clinics where I live, I have to go interstate.
  2. Most programs are a minimum of 40 days – so yet another block of time I can’t work. Meaning loss of income, but I also wonder at what point my employers will consider me completely useless if I’m never there.
  3. I’m concerned everything will be fantastic while I’m incarcerated inpatient, then when I’m back in the real world, the bubble bursts and it’s back to square one.
  4. I’m afraid I’ll be the only “old” person in a sea of teenagers.
  5. I’m afraid I’ll be the only “fat” person in a sea of anorexics.

I’m also cognizant of some fairly guaranteed positives.

  1. I can surrender all responsibility for my eating to trusted professionals.
  2. My weight should stabilise (as should my bowel and any other parts of my body not enjoying this wild ride).
  3. My friends and family will get a rest from my insanity.
  4. I feel hopeful just at the thought of inpatient – something I had none of yesterday.
  5. At least if I “fail” as an inpatient, I’ll know I tried everything.

So now I have some research to do and decisions to make. I’ve been in touch with the Butterfly Foundation, asking for recommendations to dedicated ED clinics (as opposed to a bed in a psych ward at the hospital) and narrowed it down to four options – which is not too overwhelming at all. I’ve also sent a message to each of the four clinics asking for more info and I’m sure I’ll be chatting on the phone to them tomorrow.

So after feeling sore and sad and sorry yesterday, today I’m feeling a little better. Which is kinda ironic given I’ve had a reaction to the cortisone and been awake since yesterday morning – despite taking lots of painkillers and sleeping tablets.

The soreness is mostly gone – thank you drugs. The sadness is there – but not so overwhelming. And I’ve shut up shop on the pity party, so not sorry for myself today.

I’m still in two minds about the inpatient thing. If anyone reading has inpatient experience at an Eating Disorder clinic I’d love to know more. I don’t know any real life persons who’ve been down this path, but I certainly feel very open to the concept.

Of course the final trick will be to get the referral and find a vacant bed – I hear they’re like hens teeth – pretty jolly hard to find. Step by step I’ll get there.

2 thoughts on “Lock me up

  1. I’m 49, and my first ‘treatment’ was inpatient at the age of 30. Since then I’ve been inpatient, outpatient, and a whole hell of a lot of in between. I’ve (very) recently recommitted myself to my recovery, and am pretty much right where you are. Sending you love and light……maybe we can get through this together!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes we can do this together! Did you find inpatient treatments helpful? I feel this is the right time for me. I’m cautiously optimistic 2018 will be the year that changes my life. I wish you well in your own recovery. Hang in there. Never give up! xx

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