Lost my mojo. I’m playing Candy Crush all the time. This is a bad sign. It means I’m numbing myself in a slightly less destructive manner than my other numbing habits.
I actually feel fine – not down and dreary or any of those sad things. I’m just trying to figure out, what next? I’ve come a long way from the major periods of depression and anxiety. I’ve done a lot of work on my eating disorder. I definitely know I’m sick to death of focusing on all these things. But what do I focus on now?
The trouble with falling down a big pit, is once you get back out, the rest of the world moved on and you’re still thinking about the pit. Don’t get me wrong – I’m happy to be out of that dark place! But I’ve forgotten how to live in the light.
The future I focus on all the time is full of tragedy. I visualise awful things happening – not because I want them to come true, but because I’m afraid they will. Death and destruction feature a lot in my dreams.
My next goals need to be less dramatic and more cheery. I’m perfectly content to dream of absurd things – winning the lottery, singing in a nightclub, reigniting my libido. But in reality I have no big dreams any more. If I just make stuff up, I know it’s bullshit and start remembering how upset I’m going to be when my husband drops dead.
My psychologist mentioned I need to associate emotions with the future I picture – emotional associations are extremely important. So when I previously wrote about how freedom from food obsession would look, it didn’t help as I didn’t feel it. The emotional connection is crucial – which makes sense.
Here’s a few things I imagine materialising in my little world one day, and some thoughts on how they may impact me emotionally.
I wanted to travel since I was knee high to a grasshopper – to experience all the cultural differences humanity has to offer. I’ve dreamed of sailing the seven seas, climbing every mountain, big road trips, excitement in the city, romance in the country.
I still yearn for wonderment touching the ancient boulders of Stonehenge, knowing mankind marveled and worshiped the monoliths for more than 5000 years. Divinity taste testing every flavour of gelato master Italian dessert chefs have perfected over the centuries. Serenity while looking out over the stunning blue waters of the Caribbean Sea. Peace when listening to the sound of silence flowing from an ancient Mayan ruin as dawn breaks on a new day. And energised by the delicate scent of fields of wildflowers, wet with dew on an early spring morning.
They say travel broadens the mind – I hope it will one day heal my heart.
Not especially new – we all have relationships, be they good or bad. But I’m also conscious that meaningful, healthy, long term connections in life, can make or break a person. Nurturing family and friends, colleagues and acquaintances, is fundamentally key to a purposeful life. I’ve been married a long time – 25 years in December. I’ve known my husband more than half my years. Long term relationships are so easily taken for granted. Once upon a time we were oozing love and lust. I couldn’t spend enough hours in the day with him, and I desperately missed our moments apart. Decades of familiarity take the shine off a once polished romance. Wouldn’t it be lovely if just a shadow of that excitement returned? I yearn for a little freshness and passion. To welcome more time together, not desperately wish for time on my own each day. And as for becoming an empty nester? It’s filling me with loss and loneliness, which I hope to one day replace with the glorious glow of new love as I listen the giggles of grandchildren in my living room. And that amazing sense of pride that fills the heart when your own little people grow big and successfully stride out into the world. Love and pride and passion and congeniality. All the things my relationships can gift to me.
What do I do every day?! I have no idea… I go to work and chat on the phone and play on the computer and potter around doing shit and it seems important. I’m sure it’s terribly important. They seem to like and appreciate me at work. Will I still be happy doing the exact same thing a decade from now? No idea. Possibly. I love the sense of being a contributing member of an small organisation. In some small way, I’m helping children’s education and supporting their creative outlets, providing structure and organisational enhancements to my boss and his wife. I hope I make a difference. And I really hope I continue to do so – whether it be through the same company or another. I want to feel useful and I believe I’m more than competent. I hope one day to feel a sense of pride, accomplishment and achievement, in my chosen paid work. Or unpaid work if I indeed go back to volunteering in the future. Everyday life is the crux of it – yes? It’s easy to feel terrific on a ten day cruise around the south pacific, but I believe real contentment in life comes from being comfortable with the mundane and familiar. Can I do that? I have a cat – and I adore him. So yes – I do believe that some time in the sunshine, and some more furball cuddles, and spending more time focusing on the fullness of a life lived well, rather than expectantly awaiting the deafening crash of yet another hammer fall, will lead me a life I want to live.
Oh – and writing. I want to write. And here I am 🙂