I’ve spent eight weeks safely nestled in a cocoon of Cs – Conviction, Curiosity, Conscientiousness, Courage, Connection & Commitment. And now I add a seventh – Completion.
I have completed the Author Awakening Adventure and I’m feeling awakened. Which is a tad ironic as today I didn’t wake until noon. When I commenced the course I was cautiously optimistic I might deepen my understanding of the passive voice and discover if I’m cut out to write a book. I was very mistaken. While we did indeed discuss the passive voice, and I AM cut out to write a book, at the heart of this adventure was a continuation of my path to recovery.
I’m writing this book because… I need to. I want to. I have to. I must. I’m writing it for me. I’m writing to explore how, why, when, what, and who has influenced every aspect of my eating disorder and recovery. Ultimately at the end of the day I write because I see this as the next major leg of recovery. Moving from focusing on the food and focusing on the past, to focusing on the mind and focusing on the future. I’m writing this book because people asked me to, in the hope my story could offer insight, perspective and understanding to those who are impacted by eating disorders in any capacity. I have no idea if I would ever publish or not. I reserve the right to never publish if it doesn’t feel right. I reserve the right to go for it if it feels right.
What if… I had a do over? What if I could start my life again? With my mother, sister and grandmother back, but this time cleansed of their mortal flaws. Strong, powerful, resilient women who raised each other up rather than tore each other down. What if that were possible? And I grew with the knowledge that my place in the world was about music and teaching and laughing and loving. Of a world where I could be my best self and grow into my strengths while nourishing my spirit. What if I grew feeling unconditional love and support? What if?
What do you want to cultivate in your life? A sense of purpose. Of having a future that counts, so in some small way I can have an impact (a positive impact) on someone else. With the loss of my identity over the past few years, I have struggled with this. A lot! But to cultivate a sense of purpose and to believe there is contentment and joy in my future would be incredible. I see writing becoming an integral part of the new me.
What has brought you to your knees? Depression. The culmination of decades of silence and suppressing emotions, an overwhelming fear for my children, and a loss of hope and identity.
When do you feel like you most belong? With close friends – especially one-on-one. When I’m away on a girls’ weekend and we have wine and chats and share our lives and somebody else is in charge of food decisions. Where fears and worries and successes and dreams are validated. Where I feel valued and treasured and accepted. When I can TRUST!
What does ‘digging deep’ mean to you? Hitting the bumps in the road then searching for the means of continuing on – be it tools, knowledge, energy, support or belief. I think digging deep is believing something is too difficult, and possibly not worth it, but keeping going anyway. Making the tough decisions. And sometimes digging deep is searching your heart and soul and deciding enough is enough – time to let go.
So there we have it. Now I have completed the course and sailed my seven Cs. I don’t know what I will do with this newfound knowledge and awareness into the future – but then none of us know what the future holds. I do know however, I feel more empowered and hopeful. And I am prepared to say out loud – I am a writer.