Resilience [noun]: The capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.
My physical self is very resilient. And for that, I am jolly thankful. I rarely succumb to illness, and when I do, my most excellent immune system does its job quickly and efficiently.
My emotional self has no resilience. I have worked with young people nearly all my life – I started teaching at 14, when I was just a child myself. And children who demonstrate no resilience, are children who struggle – full stop. I am one of those children.
Resilience is such an important life skill, yet when I was a young lass, not something parents usually considered. Emotional responses to stressful situations were routinely dismissed – Just toughen up! What are you crying about? You’re making mountains out of molehills! Pretty standard responses in the 1970s.
I was a highly emotional child, raised in a home where emotions were not acceptable and a public face was to be worn at all times. My concerns and worries weren’t acknowledged, validated or worked through. They were dismissed as trivial, irrelevant, and selfish. I’m a fast learner though – I always have been – so very quickly buried my concerns. I’d let trivial issues swirl around inside my head and grow wings, and this developed into a lifelong habit. A little butterfly flitting around, rapidly transforms into a fire-breathing dragon, with its scaly hide filling every ounce of space in my head.
When I hear a harsh word or I’m corrected, if I make a mistake or a misjudgment, my body freezes, my brain dies, and I want to run away. Later, the disaster dialogue begins: She hates me. I’m such an idiot. How did I miss that? They’re going to fire me. How could I be so stupid? We’ll never be friends again. I feel so ashamed. Why did I say that?
Blah blah blah.
It goes on and on and on and on. I struggle to turn thoughts around or challenge them with alternate scenarios: She’s probably tired. I apologised and he was fine. People make mistakes.
Now, I do have staying power – I can be fiercely determined and stubborn and I don’t give up easily. But I do take things to heart. Far more than I should. And the problem with a lack of emotional resilience, is self-doubt, self-hatred and fear of conflict and consequences, are all dealt with one way or the other. When they’re not dealt with in a healthy manner, they’re dealt with in an unhealthy manner.
Self-doubt is crippling. I live with the eternal fear everyone hates me. And if they don’t hate me yet, they soon will. I need to be perfect at all times – so you’ll like me. I need to give of myself at all times – so you’ll feel loved. I need to accept blame for all conflict – so you’ll forgive me.
These are not demands placed upon me by others. They are placed upon me by myself. And they are unreasonable expectations that can never be fully realised.
I have come to believe without emotional resilience, I will remain caught in a cycle of mental health struggles. In a perfect world, little bumps and bruises that come my way, would be met with calm acceptance, feet up on a comfy chair, a little self-reflection and a debrief with a trusted friend. Emotional resilience would bless me with the ability to let things go and move on. These are the skills I taught my students. But these are the skills I still need to learn. I have no magic answers. But I trust the first step to change, is to acknowledge the problem.