What’s the difference? One and the same?

The end result is the same.

I’ve been visiting a physio for some time now – to try and nut out the origins of the pain in my back. I started seeing her after I’d seen an osteopath. I started seeing the osteopath after the chiropractor. I started seeing the chiropractor after I’d spoken to my doctor.

The pain I have is not debilitating – but it’s been slowly getting worse. Seems to be spreading to more bits of me. I have less strength and feeling on my left side now. Again – not majorly, but it’s obvious to me.

I’m reaching the point where I can’t be bothered attempting to find answers and hoping to become pain free. I no longer believe it will happen. So if I stop going to treatment and stop seeking solutions, is that considered giving up? Which has a negative connotation and suggests I don’t have the strength and sticking power and wherewithal to keep going. Or am I just letting go? Which feels more like accepting the inevitable. I’m not as young as I once was, and I have aches and pains I have to learn to work with and stop working against.

And as far as recovery goes. If I ceased seeking recovery – giving up or letting go? It is far, far easier to accept what I’ve always known, and work with it, than to constantly work against it and try to rewrite my being. Recovery is unbelievably stressful. And expensive. And I’m no longer convinced it’s worth it to be honest. Perhaps letting go of recovery is all the recovery I need. Perhaps giving up on unrealistic dreams will be more freeing than pursuing the impossible. Perhaps it’s like looking for love – it only appears when you’re not looking…

In all honesty, I am tired. Tired of trying to eliminate pain from my back – it’s been there for 25 years. Tired of disappointing myself with food and my body – it’s been the same for 50 years. I would be freeing up dollars and hours every week. I want to give up. But more importantly – I feel it’s time to let go. Let go of barking up trees that are far too tall for me to ever reach.