Why do I do it?

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I am coming to the end of an eight week online course for recovery from binge eating and/or bulimia.

I am about to commence an eight week online course for transformational writing and author awakening.

Both cost money. Neither will return any money to me. So their intrinsic value is about personal growth, not financial returns. And I have had to justify the investment in both courses – not only to myself and my husband, but to other people. Not because they don’t think I should do the courses, but because they genuinely want to know why I’m doing them and what I will gain that can’t be gained elsewhere – for much less (or no!) money. I have struggled to find the words to explain why.

I tend to be deeply instinctive – about people, places and situations. When I meet someone, I either trust, or don’t trust them, almost immediately. That level of trust doesn’t necessarily relate to whether or not I like them. I can dislike someone but still trust them deeply – meaning I respect their opinion, don’t feel judged, know my story will be kept in confidence, and their interactions are genuine and honest. I can also like somebody but not trust them. I am not sure if that makes sense? I can’t even explain why I do and don’t trust people – it is just something I see in their eyes. And I’m rarely proven wrong.

With both these courses, I have had the opportunity to get to “know” the facilitators a little bit before commencing – through Facebook group interactions, and watching live videos. Both of them are people I feel very strongly that I can trust. I value their experience and expertise in their chosen fields. I appreciate their strengths as teachers and mentors. And I am confident in their authenticity – they are real people not pretending to be what they are not.

The ED recovery course felt like it was something I needed to do to save my life. How long can I go on with an eating disorder getting worse and worse? One way or another, it would eventually kill me. I have tried so many other things and it just felt like something I had to do. My gut was screaming at me, Do it! Do it! So I did it. And I am eternally grateful I did. I have had quite a mind shift. Recovery was never going to be complete in eight weeks, but I have been set upon the path and have a lot more tools at my disposal. I also have access to the free group forever, which remains a fantastic supportive place to be as well.

So what did I get for my money in the recovery course?

  • I haven’t restricted my food intake for over four months
  • Purging reduced from 6-10 times a day, to once or twice a week
  • Bingeing reduced from daily to maybe one or twice a week
  • Slip-ups are followed by a lot more compassion and acceptance
  • I have fantastic visualisations to work with
  • I have a group of women who understand and support me
  • I have removed all the tools of my self-harm trade
  • I am eating three main meals and three snacks a day
  • I am extremely well hydrated
  • More than anything else though? I believe I can recover!

So the author awakening course – what do I believe I will get for my money?

  • I believe it will be a continuation of my recovery
  • I believe there will be focus on acceptance – in every aspect of my life (past, present, future)
  • I believe it has the capacity to return my lost confidence
  • I believe it will continue to heal the great hurts I have internalised
  • I believe it will offer me hope for a future that is goal oriented – not just going through the motions
  • I believe it will allow me to expand on my current writing, so I can further explore the stories – real and imagined – that are bursting to be released
  • I believe it will allow me to continue to connect with the world in the best way I know how
  • I believe it will introduce me to a community of women who will empower and support each other
  • I believe it will teach me about the world of publishing and editing
  • I believe it will teach me a lot of the technical craft of writing I have never learned

So is it worth it? Come back and ask me in eight weeks! I’m not a psychic – I can’t guarantee that it is going to be life changing. However my gut is once again screaming at me, Do it! Do it!

I’m deeply conscious of the fact purely from a monetary point of view, I won’t have anything to show for it. I won’t get a “thing” to hold. I won’t get a job at the end of it. I will simply be gaining (hopefully) skills, confidence, knowledge and awareness. But perhaps those things are priceless…

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