Nearly…

Today I had a desperate, desperate urge to restrict. It was really important to me. I nearly did. I ate breakfast. Then I ate nothing all day. At the end of the day I had a moment of sanity and ate a late dinner. Meat and vegetables. Nutritious foods.

I nearly starved myself today. I didn’t. I wanted to. It doesn’t feel like a victory – it feels like failure.

I do know restricting ultimately leads to bingeing. But there’s so much fear in me – and eating disordered behaviours feel safe and familiar and comforting. It’s exhausting trying to overcome fear day in and day out. It’s not like being calm all the time and then fearfully trying to traverse a rope bridge. It’s like the rope bridge is the calm place and the whole of the rest of life is the fearful zone. Incessant.

In the past when I restricted it would go for days. Occasionally weeks. Today it was just a matter of hours. Just over 12 hours. Less than the amount of time kids do the 40 hour famine. Going hungry for 12 hours is no big deal. People do it all the time. Only difference here is that it was eating disordered thoughts that got me there. I felt like a failure for wanting to starve. I felt like a failure for giving in.

I nearly starved myself today. I didn’t.

I was reminded today it is important to not dwell on the struggle, but rather dwell on the outcome. The struggle is real. Don’t doubt me. It’s real. The outcome is imaginary. But I am doggedly determined to keep imagining it until the outcome becomes real. Until I am free from disordered eating. I have written before about the imagined world and how that would look and feel.

I nearly starved myself today. I didn’t.

In my future freedom I don’t starve. Ever. I don’t feel guilty for starving. I don’t feel guilty for eating. I just eat because I need to and I want to and there is no angst of fear involved. It’s just food – and I eat it.

I nearly starved myself today. I didn’t.

I am making progress. I am blossoming. I am transforming into a butterfly. I am finding freedom.

I nearly starved myself today. I didn’t.

2 thoughts on “Nearly…

  1. So beautifully written. It’s incredibly difficult to overcome the want, the desperate need, to restrict, and also the itch to start thinking about bingeing as a result. You are strong, you are intelligent and you are awesome – I think today is a victory! x

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    1. Thank you for your lovely kind words! It is hard to see the progress and victories in the early stages of recovery, but I will keep trusting in the process and hope that one day I can look back on my eating disorder and realise that it’s a “past” me! xx

      Like

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