The Mighty are running monthly self-confidence challenges all year. I religiously did the daily writing in January. Was too exhausted to do whatever the February challenge was! But I’m going to drop in late and start the March Challenge. The week three task is:

Continue to focus on accomplishing the task list you made during week two. Your list should include easy-to-accomplish items that show a mastery of your skills. When you cross an item off your list, take a selfie or a photo of your accomplishment, and post it somewhere (it could be social media or on a wall in your house) to remind yourself of your accomplishments.

Before I respond to this task, I need to acknowledge how wobbly I am at the moment. I feel I’ve made big strides in moving on from the major depression and anxiety and self-harm. They’re really not problematic any more. The eating disorder of course, is still there and much the same as it was before everything else went pear-shaped.

This week in particular, I’ve been thinking a lot about recovery – can I do it, will I do it, why would now be different to all the other times I didn’t succeed? What is the big stumbling block? I get what I need to do. I want recovery – a lot! I want to be normal and healthy and free. But there’s some little part of me that is never willing to make the crucial changes at the last minute.

Should I give up? I feel like giving up. I am starting to picture what “giving up” looks like – endless binges, endless purging, intermittent restricting. Yo-yo weight, unhealthy hair, eternal exhaustion. Dodgy throat, heart palpitations, digestive issues. And the endless, loathsome self-hatred. Never, ever, ever feeling okay in my own body. The only body I will ever be blessed with and I hate it and fear it. So yes – I DO want to recover. But no – I DON’T make the changes. I don’t know why. I really don’t… Fear, fear, fear…

So… I am (for now) still determined to keep on keeping on. To keep searching out more options. To go over the old skills and keep reading and writing and reaching out. To keep learning and keep trying to believe. So here we go – week three of the challenge – slightly modified to keep me working toward recovery. I’ll come up with ideas today and take the photos tomorrow 🙂

1. Kindness and generosity: I can be kind and generous with others. It is very important – the world needs kindness to spread like a tub of butter in the hot sun. But I need to send a little my own way.

2. Honesty, authenticity, and genuineness: So important for recovery. I do try and be as honest as possible. I acknowledge and share my disease with anyone as required. What I can’t acknowledge however, is my feelings. I try – but I don’t feel them. I can’t identify them. I just run away and hide somewhere else.

3. Judgment, critical thinking, and open-mindedness: I’m very good at making critical judgments of myself. A little open-mindedness would be very handy right now. The things I am most resistant to, are no doubt the things I really need to embrace.

4. Leadership: I’ll turn this one on it’s head in this context. I need to accept the leadership of those who understand this disease and recovery process so much better than me. Trust in them. Have faith. Let them lead the way. Stop trying to control the situation.

5. Modesty and humility: Become humble enough to accept my lack of willingness to make the changes. Just understanding recovery intellectually is not enough. Just reading and writing is not enough. Quit whinging. Quit looking at why and how. Follow the lead of those who know.

There – that’s my modified version 🙂 I will post a little photo collage tomorrow!