03 January

Personal Prompt: Congratulations! You just won an award! Pick an award, and write an acceptance speech.

It is with mixed feelings I accept this award for “Most Unlikely to Actively Recover From An Eating Disorder”. While I began the new year with acclimations of positivity, and I continue to believe my health professionals – and the advice they disseminate – are worthy of my trust and my energies, I remain reticent to believe real change is possible.

Actively seeking recovery essentially means “hope”. It means I believe change is possible and that change is worth achieving. But until the changes are made, there is an intense feeling of hopelessness and the temptation to give in. The easiest place to be, would be the place where I accept recovery will never happen – that I am “constitutionally incapable” of making the required amendments to my thoughts and behaviours. Because then I would be more at peace with myself. Being at peace with myself, is not necessarily being happy with myself, but accepting of what “is” and learning to work with the perimeters I know – of using eating disorder behaviours to control my weight and numb my emotions. Because those behaviours have always been there and I know how to use them. The fact those behaviours and thought patterns are highly destructive – not just to myself, but to those around me – is the one thing I must keep remembering.

Trust is not a mindset I am familiar, or comfortable, with. Believing those people from whom I seek counseling and support are providing me with truths about myself, and concepts that can in fact work to take me to that magical land full of rainbows and unicorns, requires a faith I find difficult to grasp. But that faith will lead me to Recovery. Until I embrace that faith, I am destined to cling to this award of, “Most Unlikely to Actively Recover From An Eating Disorder”. So thank you. Thank you for offering me the opportunity to gaze upon that which I am sacrificing while remaining in this hellhole.

Creative Prompt: Describe your dream house. (Where is it located? Who lives there with you? How is is decorated?)

Now for the creative challenge (how was the previous prompt not a “creative” challenge?!) …

My dream house would be in the paddock behind my house. In fact, we could probably knock our house down to use it as a driveway 🙂 Over perched on the cliff’s edge, are the remains of what must have been a house with a fabulous view across the river. I could build a most magnificent house right there on the cliff’s edge – if money were no object. In fact I’d like it to literally be on the cliff so when I looked out the windows (floor to ceiling windows thank you very much) it looked like I was going to fall off the cliff. I would of course like to employ the most awesome engineers to make sure everything is structurally sound.

The house would just be a little two bedroom, with a gorgeous kitchen etc. But adjacent to it would be another gorgeous little two bedroom house that we could use for guests or the kids or for airbnb or just for a bit of space from each other if we ever needed to. Or for dad. Or grandma. Or whatever! Two little two bedroom houses right next to each other – with lovely little gardens and a beautiful swimming pool and hot tub to share.

I would just live with my husband and cat and whichever of my kids needed somewhere to live for now. I would decorate it in a very minimalistic style. Lots of white and light timber and glass and clever little pockets and cupboards where things were hidden away so they weren’t covered in dust. A place for everything and everything in its place (my dream house comes with a dream maid…) Then I’d have splashes of colour with plants and cushions and beautiful things. There would be tons of natural light and plenty of mirrors with candles because they look pretty. And a grand piano. And lovely grounds around the house so that I can’t see another house anywhere.

I think that’s all I need for my dream house… Where’s that lotto ticket?!

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