Not in black and white

Perfectionistic thinking. It can be a bit of a curse. Apparently it can also be a really great personality trait – but I suspect one would have to utilise it in a slightly healthier way. When you’re a perfectionist, the world is black and white. I’m right or wrong, it’s easy or hard, I’m good at…

Illusions

I’m fluffy today. And floppy. I had lots of drugs… I have pain. I feel like I have chronic pain, but compared to people who actually have chronic pain, I don’t. I do however, have some back issues (facet joint hypertrophy between L3-4 and L4-5), tendinopathy in my left hamstring, and a rotation and shift in…

Eat Me!

The food in my fridge sings to me. And I mean it really sings. I suspect this is another one of those situations only people with an eating disorder genuinely understand. I’ve talked about The Voices before. Maybe you think I’m completely mad. Or schizophrenic. I’m neither of those things. I just have an eating disorder. All day…

Vanquishing the Voices

I’m trying to picture a life free from disordered eating. What would it look like? How would I feel? What would be different? The voice of doubt always wants to knock me down, but I’m working hard to vanquish that voice, and bring forth positive messages to empower recovery. In this picture, my external life would…

End of an Era

See that picture? That’s my toes. Pointing at a blank spot. A blank spot where my scales have sat since we renovated the bathroom about 12 years ago. (Before that they sat somewhere else…) For as long as I can remember, I have weighed myself first thing every morning – day in day out. Like…

Invoking the Inner Child

When I was a child I was repressed. Not in an awful way – we weren’t beaten or abused or mistreated in any capacity. But when emotions can’t be expressed, they are repressed. [It wasn’t done intentionally of course – it is just an unfortunate hangover from previous generations.] A week or so back I had…

Looking forward

Today was a non-linear recovery day. You know – the old cha cha cha – a few steps forward, a few steps back. Recovery is a non-linear process. But that’s okay – I keep telling myself… I made some really excellent decisions today and made some really excellent progress. Then I made some really crap decisions and slipped…

Easter Egg Epiphanies

Today I ate Easter eggs. I didn’t enjoy them. And it isn’t Easter. There are bags and bags of leftover solid little eggs at work, and apparently we can help ourselves. I’m not sure my colleagues realise what that actually means to somebody with an eating disorder. The only thing stopping me eating the thousand or…

Bye Bye Beautiful Girl

I believe in Angels. I always have. I always will. I don’t believe in God, or religion, but I do believe in Angels. (Yes Grandma… I am allowed to believe in Angels without believing in God – there are no rules when it comes to faith!) Today we scattered my sister’s ashes. She is now at…

Into the woods

I am heading into the woods. Recovery is a journey. A journey is traversed upon a road. This particular road heads into metaphorical woods, and on the other side – is freedom. In 2009 I traveled to Vietnam with my husband and three kids. (It was awesome – if you’ve never been, I highly recommend…

Challenge Accepted

For anyone who hasn’t noticed, I have been struggling. Struggling with the concept of recovery. With freedom. With any kind of belief it will happen for me. Of course it can happen for other people! That is a given. But me? I struggle to believe. And without hope and belief, recovery is impossible. Today I was…

An unnatural state

Relax! Huh?! People keep telling me to relax, take a bit of time out, chill! My massage therapist flops my arm around telling me to relax it. I barely know what that means. I wake during the night with clenched fists and have to actively focus to unclench them. Relaxation does not come naturally to me….